~King of Nothing~

~Adele~

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 12:32:00 -0500

When I watched the Grammy’s and saw that Adele won all 6 Grammy’s I was and am so happy that someone that worked really hard and deserves it won. I love how both of her CD’s can tell the life of a relationship with a few songs.

Crazy For You

Sometimes sitting in the dark
Wishing you were here
Turns me crazy,
But it’s you who makes me lose my head.

Make You Feel My Love

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

One And Only

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

Tired

I’m tired of trying
Your teasing ain’t enough
Fed up of buying your time
When I don’t get nothing back
And for what, and for what, and for what
When I don’t get nothing back
Oi I’m tired

Cold Shoulder

You say it’s all in my head
And the things I think just don’t make sense
So where you been then? Don’t go all coy
Don’t turn it round on me like it’s my fault
See I can see that look in your eyes
The one that shoots me each and every time

Set Fire To The Rain

‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

Rolling In The Deep

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have it all

This is how I feel the life of a relationship goes, tell me if I’m wrong? Thank you Adele for always having a song to help me through them crazy days.

~Sigh~

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 03:18:48 -0500

Don’t you wish sometimes you could take something back, erase a conversation or never have a conversation. Well, I wish I could take by time and undo or unlearn something today. Only because I don’t know how to take the information, I’m dumbfounded. How do I take this information and not let it affect things? Do I ignore it and continue going on with things?

UGH!! I’m so freaking confused and yet I’m not, if that makes any sense. I just wish things could go back to the way they were, why do I have to be this way? Why do I over think things and plan things out long term? Why can’t I just flow with things and let things happen when and if they gonna happen?

It’s 2:17am and no one to talk too…….and tomorrow I wont want to talk about it anymore. I just want to put that away and never have to revisit it, but how? i don’t know.

Sigh

???

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 02:35:53 -0500

Lost…..confused…..and no one to talk too

~About Time~

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 21:06:14 -0500

It’s time for me to start letting go of the past and let it control me, even though it has made me the person I am I need to let it go. I’m never get the answers I need and deserve, and I understand that and beginning to be ok with that. So here it goes:

You were one of the two most important people in my live, one of whom was suppose to love me unconditional and protect me from any and all harm. Yet you were the one person that caused me the most harm and hurt, you beat me and belittled me. You would choke the living shit out of me and punched me just because you weren’t having a good day or I didn’t answer your question the way you wanted it answered. No the shirt is not yellow it’s blue and I’m not going to say its yellow because that’s what you want me to say, the shirt is blue and that’s that, it’s not the color you say it is because it’s not that color not because I am being stubborn or disobedient. I’m sorry I was never the person you wanted me to be growing up, but you were never the man I was supposed to look up to so I guess we are even. Now that it’s been years don’t try to come back into my life, you’ve had your chance when I gave you a second chance and what happen? You made promise you never intended to keep and never heard from you again. Then you wanna come back and start something new again? No it doesn’t work that way, I’ve been told because of the person you are I’m supposed to give you another chance and hear you out. Why, when all you are going to do is disappoint me again, all the lies and miss truths and broken promises and all the tears you put me threw are over. I am who I am because of you, the one thing you did manage to do for me was make me a stronger person, and even though I have had my moments of weakness I still come out of it with my head held high.

So this is for me and not for you: I forgive you for everything you put me threw and my family, I forgive you for beating me and kicking me when I was on the floor, I forgive you for choking me and making me feel useless, I forgive you for walking out on us and leaving us with nothing but each other, I forgive you for all this just make no mistake I forgive you I am not forgetting. You made us stronger, so the best thing you did for us was leave, thank you and have a great live DAD!

This chapter is now closed and I am going to move past it and try not to think of it twice. You have no more power over me!!!!

~Pondering~

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:53:27 -0500

I don’t know why I have become an emotional wreck lately, it’s like I’m wearing my feeling on my sleeve. This is not who I am, I haven’t been called a Bitch, or Cold Hearted, Asshole for nothing. Yet, this couple of months it seems that I feel so vulnerable. Why can’t things just be perfect. Why is it that when you think things are going great and things are going to be ok, it’s when everything falls apart.

Sometimes sitting at home, I feel so alone, so useless. I feel like I’ve just become a huge disappointment to myself and others, mostly me. Sometimes I feel like I wanna break down and cry, yet I don’t know why. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m to blame for everything that doesn’t go right. I wasn’t the only one making promise we couldn’t keep.

Maybe things are better of the way they are, because the only thing I’m doing is hurting people. It seems that when something blows up and doesn’t go the way it’s suppose to that’s when everyone wants to put there input and bring me down, like I need any help with that.

I’m just so tired of feeling the way I do, I just want to be all around happy in every aspect of my life. Yet I know I am the only one that has control of this, I have to make myself happy and surround myself with people who want the best for me.

Maybe holding all my feelings back are starting to give in, pushing all that anger and hate in to a little black ball is starting to push back. I guess I need to learn to let go of all the anger and hate and stop holding everything in and deal with whatever comes along.

I also need to let go of the past and the people from it, things will work them selfs out if and when the time is right. If we were meant to be friends we will, if we weren’t well it was great knowing you hope you have a great life and wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for all you did, I miss you and will miss you!!!

Gonna try and close this chapter and start a new clean slate one.

What's wrong with me??

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:38:15 -0500

I’m sitting outside Kroger crying, I feel like I’m failing at everything I do. Like I can’t do anything right. Like all I do is hurt people. Today after lunch I ran a stop sign not on purpose but didn’t care that a car was coming. I normally would have hit my break but I kept going like nothing.

Why do I feel this way? Why am I feeling like an emotional wreck…. It’s not me!

Who is this person?! And why I’d it taking over me!!!!

Hollywood & Venice Beach

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 22:29:00 -0500

Hollywood & Venice Beach

Photo

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:34:00 -0500

~Hurt~

Sun, 29 Jan 2012 15:30:00 -0500

How is it that I have gone from being a cold-hearted bitch to someone that wears his emotions on his sleeve? Things used to roll off my back with not even a second thought on whatever was done or said, but it seems lately I’ve become a tad of a emotional wreck. Not a feeling I am used to or really care to feel, and yeah maybe it’s because I’m not 100% sure how to express my feelings and I’m learning as I go to deal with them then repress them.

What does this have to do with anything you ask. Yesterday I had a very enlightened conversation that was both hurtful and out of nowhere. Well maybe nowhere for me because it took me from surprise and maybe the reason why it hurt me the most.

I was told that it’s always about be and my personal life, do I talk about who I am dating more then I should? Or is it that my “friends” are suppose to be there for me as I am for them. I can’t help being happy with the person I am with and want to talk about them. Yeah I ask about the other person but if they don’t want to talk about how they are feeling or going threw how is that a fair conversation, right? I’m learning to be able to express myself more and more on how I feel.

To accuse me of something, just because you don’t like the fact I don’t agree with you on something doesn’t give you the right to lash out at me. Who cares what anyone thinks about who you like, the only person that should truly matter is yourself. Yes you hope that your friends and family will care about the person you are with as much as you do, but if they don’t like them it’s like my mom always says “who is dating them? You or me?” what does that mean you ask, you are with that person and they make you happy then who cares what anyone thinks. Be happy enjoy life, you only have one life to live try to make it the best you can, and if you friends don’t like the person you are with then that’s ok you are dating that person not your friends. Your friends will come around once they get to know the person. Now if the person treats you like crap or beats you then yeah it’s understandable why your friends don’t like them and you should probably listen to them because no one deserves to be mistreated.

RuPaul said it best “If you can’t love yourself how do you expect to love someone else”

I’m always going to be there for my friends if I like the situation or not that’s what friends are there for, to listen and talk and be able to give advice. Even though it’s hard to listen to advice sometimes your friends have to be able to understand that advice has to be positive and helpful and not negative by try to bring or tear you down.

So if you feel that all I do is talk about me or my relationship maybe we need to reevaluate our “friendship”. That or start to be more open.

Words from a friend to another friend….. Friends come and go but a TRUE friend is hard to find.

New Year

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 14:32:18 -0500

What a way to start the New Year, first day of the year and I got into two arguments with two people I care about. But they don’t see it that way and that’s fine it’s there opinion. The one thing that I have realized from the arguments is that I need to keep my personal life to myself. No more sharing it only does more harm then good.

Yeah you might think that I’m cold hearted or just plain cold and mean, but I’m not. Just because I deal with things in a different way then you or anyone else doesn’t mean I don’t care or am hurting. Yeah I am who I am and I deal with things the way I always have. So call me what you want, I can take it. You aren’t the first or last person to try to put me down.

I am who I am! Broken hearted or breaking hearts is not my thing, things sometimes aren’t meant to be even as much as I want them to be. My heart has been broken more then I care to count, just cuz I ended it didn’t mean I wanted to end it, sometimes it’s just means it didn’t work out.

So this will be my last personal blog that will be visible to everyone, from this point on my personal life is that PERSONAL. Think what you may and that’s fine it’s your God Given Right!

So Happy Freaking New Year!!

Love

Fri, 25 Nov 2011 03:07:06 -0500

How do you love someone so much you don’t know how to be with them. Why is it that when you love someone all you want to do is protect them and not let them get hurt but you are the one causing all the hurt. How do you protect the one you love and love them the way they should when you can be with them. Why is love so unfair, why do we fall in love with the one person we cant have. Why is it that your heart still skips a beat when you think of them or when you hear a song that you both love, how do you try to get over them when you can’t stop loving them……. Why is this so freaking hard, why can’t I see what I see and try to move on, why does my heart and brain and head don’t want to participate together. Why can’t I have the one I love and long for.

Why do I imagine my entire live with them only for it to be extinguished

Drunken's, hoes and low blows!

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 17:50:34 -0500

What was suppose to be a night of getting away from everything going on in my life, I just wanted to hang out with some friends and have a great time. A good surprise was Carlos, Tom and Steve(n) came as well a little later after we had already started drinking. Well they all decided that they wanted to go dance at this Latin club called “Crystal”. Now I’m not a huge fan of it, but agreed to go and have a good time. Which by the way I knew I wasn’t going to be able drink as much as I wanted.

Well one got drunk and wasn’t being very lively, he looked like a zombie just starting at the Abby’s. The hoe found a trick to go home with (after he was supposedly been there for me) HA! Bullshit! And well the low blow was when I was leaving to the club.

So over all this night BLEW!! All I want is to forget everything have a good time laugh, smile, drink and party……but all I got was a sober early night.

Where was the fun in this night!

Life

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 21:47:32 -0500

Spiraling out of control
Failure, disappointment, confusion
Hurt, angry, displaced

Why is it that when it rains it pours in life?

My mom always said “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle” But what if you don’t believe in him, what does that mean? I know that this is just a temporary thing and things will get better. I know they will, I just don’t know if I want things to get better. I mean we all want things to get better and not have to feel this way, but at the same time I like this destructive side of me. Making bad decisions, going out drinking and not caring what is going to happen in that intense. Not caring who is going to get hurt, blood pumping with adrenaline and alcohol. You feel unstoppable in till those feelings you are trying to run away from catch up to you. Making you feel everything you tried to escape, even if it’s only for one night. Life is both cruel and unfair, but that’s life. Yet at times it can be sweet and unforgettable.

Pondering

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:01:35 -0500

Why is it that when I feel like shit the radio has to play the worst timing songs. Lately when I get in the car they will play “Someone like you” by Adele and “The One That Got Away” by Katy Perry back to back. Never fails they have plaid that more then once when I have gotten in the car, and yeah I love the songs, but I guess in the situation I am in at the moment yeah I don’t care to listen to them.

If it wasn’t hard enough with out having to be reminded, even when I drink. You would think alcohol would kill the pain, but instead it seems that it just magnifies my emotions by a million.

Now I know how single people feel when asked about there relationship status. I went out and two straight women wanted to know what the most romantic thing I or someone has ever done….. Sure kick a guy when they down, they ask why I am single and all. UGH seriously I just wanted to get drunk and forget for at least a little while.

Why can’t we just be happy, find someone we love and be able to live with them with out the drama. Or is that too much to ask. Or is someone gonna say its not the destination but the adventure getting there….. I call BS!!

Take that love!

Another life

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 15:20:22 -0400

Jamie Blunt was only 15 years old and had his entire life in front of him, but he was robbed of it by bullies. Not everyone has a tough skin and those mean harsh words said to them do hurt. Jamie committed suicide because he couldn’t take the bullying anymore for being gay. I read his blog, and you can tell that all he wanted was to be happy and excepted by his peers. But all he got was bullies teasing him, calling him names and even shoving batteries down his throat. What are we teaching kids this days? Where is all this hate and discrimination coming from?

Jamey Rodemeyer was only 14 years old when he committed suicide. His sister found him, hanging from the swing set his parents built for them. He was also teased and harassed by other kids, told him he was better off dead and called him a faggot, and a queer. He had made a “It gets better” YouTube video, telling other kids that it does get better, but it didn’t for him. His blogs and even his video blogs were infested with harsh words or threats. His last words were for his idol Lady Gaga who he adored and how he missed his grandmother and would see her again.

What is this world coming to where we can’t be safe any where we go. Growing up I struggled to realize and overcome my sexuality. I was harassed and bullied during school, mostly because I was short and skinny. I’ve had more then one incident were I was stabbed with a pencil or a pen. I didn’t report any of this, because I figured all it would do was cause more drama. I don’t really recall ever thinking about committing suicide, but again I was never teased or harassed as they were.

No a days it doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight, black, white, Mexican or even disabled bullies don’t care who you are or what you have. They will tear you apart just for their amusement. And we are all guilty of making fun of someone or joining in a racial joke, I know I am. Something has to give, when do we say enough is enough and make people pay for there actions.

In some states cyber-bullying is illegal, I think it should be every where. With the technology we have we should be able to keep kids safe.

I’m glad that I grew up with a mother and sibling that accepted me, even though it was hard at first. I know its not always easy coming out, my experience wasn’t a joyce one but I had to do it for me. I didn’t want my family and friends finding out by someone else, but through me. And yes it’s not going to be easy and you will have to stand up for yourself cuz in till you do you’ll never be truly happy. I don’t know who all in my family knows that I am gay, and it’s not because I’m hiding who I am, I just don’t talk to my dads side of the family (but that’s another issue). My moms side for the most part know. The people that know are the people I care and love for and that’s all that matters. I have one live to live and I’m going to live it the way I know best.

To all thoughts who this approve of me or you tell them to fuck off this is your life and your life only. You have to make yourself happy because no one is going to do it for you.

To all who have lost there lives because of bullying may they Rest in Peace!

October 14th

Fri, 14 Oct 2011 19:02:57 -0400

Its October 14th and I was just given the news that my last day at my job will be October 31st. And to be honest I couldn’t be more excited, not because I want to be lazy or sit around a home but because it was time. The 8 hours that I was at work I kid you not if you compressed the hours I actually work it would be about 3-4 hours. Not because I slacked or anything, but because we had no work to do. Even when I looked for work or did someone else’s work I still had nothing to do for the rest of the day.

So now that I am being laid off, my world has been turned UP SIDE DOWN. What was suppose to be a happy day has turned it to a WTF are we gonna do now? So the plan was for me to move to Canada and start a new life there, but looks like thats not gonna happen.

In LIMBO at the moment.

Who knew

Mon, 10 Oct 2011 11:51:35 -0400

If someone would have told me that I one day would be in this situation I would have never believed it. Who knew I would fall in love with someone living in another country. It’s not something I would have wanted to do, because it’s really hard. Not being able to hold them or kiss them good morning or good night. Or just too kiss hem just to kiss them.

Now I’ve been in this relationship for about 2 years and even though there have been some rocky fighting and mountains we had to go over I wouldn’t change anything. I think it’s made us stronger, but even as strong as it has made me I feel at points useless, hopeless and lonely.

No one ever said that long distance relationships are easy or would I recommend them, as hypocritical as that sounds I can say that I don’t think LTR are for everyone. I think to a certain point I don’t think they are for me either, even though I am in one. I have never thought of myself as a needy person, needing that person being around me all the time. It my past relationship I would tell my ex that he was suffocating me, I couldn’t be in e same apartment with out him being in the same room. If I went to the bedroom he would follow me. I need space, I need time to unwind, or just time for myself.

I dated someone who I was crazy over, he could do no wrong. We dated for 2 and a half years but it ended because of the distance. We lived together for the first 2 years, it was the 6 months apart that I couldn’t stand. I tried to make things work, but guess it wasn’t meant to be. I called with no answer, I saw him once every three months if that. And it’s not like we lived that far, it was about an hour diving distance. But I need more then that, I need and want more.

Now that I am in a LTR again, sometimes I start to have this feelings of despair, loneliness, frustration and sadness. As much as miss him at times I feel like it’s getting to be the norm. What does that say about me? Do I just get accustom to the situation and take it for it is or is it that I’m just getting used to it. Either way I do miss him and love him and can’t wait to be together, but with all the hurtles we have to jump through it seems that it’s getting harder and harder.

The funny thing is when ever I hear a song that reminds me of him it makes me forget all my worries and thoughts, but it only lasts a few minutes.

~Bored~

Wed, 03 Aug 2011 16:19:25 -0400

Don’t you hate it when you are at work with nothing to do, it’s like staring at paint dry. That’s my job….slow! Not that I don’t mind it, I mean I’m getting paid to play Angry Birds and Plants vs Zombies. Okay okay they are not paying to actually play those games, but I have nothing else to do. My work is so far done, just waiting on to see what else pops up on my computer.

Another reason I hate days this slow is because if something happens or I’m told something my brain will just run with it all freaking day. Well at least while at work cuz I have nothing else to do then think about the situation. And no I am not talking about the DUMB ASS from the most IDIOTIC show called Jersey Shore. Who ever came up with that shows needs to be beaten to a bloody pulp….. Just my opinion and the thousand of million of brain cells that die just thinking of the show. Ooops there goes half a million brain cells…..TEHE!

Hmmm so much to talk about and nothing to write about. Guess that’s all for now folks….. Y’all come back now ya hear!

~Lets talk~

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 16:44:46 -0400

Why is it that when you think about blogging about a certain topic your brain becomes like diarrhea. Full of ideas and thoughts, but as soon as you wanna start writing it, your brain gets constipated. You like my analogy? I need some Brain Pepto Bismol Tehee

Any who I digress, so this year has been a tad stressful year. Lets see one my roommate is inconsiderate, he eats my food, drinks the water and doesn’t replace or ask. And if he does ask he already eating the food as he asks. I don’t really mind cuz most likely it’s going to go to waste, but at least ask. Now the water thing does boil my blood, he buys gallon bottles to my 32 pack 16oz bottles. Now I love me some cold water so if you take some water out the fridge replace it with some more. I always buy 3 cases so there is water in the pantry. The point is he will that water before drinking his…..cheap ass bastard! Not just that I had to change my door handle to a key one, cuz he has gone into my room to get things with out asking. He went in to get a box of nails I had just bought and got 3 of my movies. Can we say personal space…..now I wouldn’t go into someone’s room and just get things with out asking so now every time I leave the house I lock my room….sad I know.

We’ve had some other issues which I really won’t have to worry about seen I am subleasing my apartment. Now you would think he would try to find someone himself but instead left it up to me, which is find cuz all I’m looking for is someone to take over and pay the rent. Now the problem now is that I have 3 people interested and willing to move in on different dates, the thing is I have no idea where I am going to live. And it’s got me a tad worried and concerned, you would think I would have figured out where I was going to live before trying to move out. But that’s how tired of living there!

Next subject: Work
Well the company I work for has been bought out by another company (duh), and they have shut down both our Dallas and Atlanta office. And they said they are going to lay off about 70% of the company. Which can be a good and bad thing, I’m so ready for a change. After working here for 6 years and busting my butt and having no recognition for all what I do….. It’s getting old! I do a lot of the work and both my supervisor and boss know this, I have printed the reports for an entire month and yet nothing changes. So hopefully when they come around with our severance package I will be one of the lucky once or maybe get a better offer. None the less I’m not stressing about it seen that I have no control over the situation but I am a tad worried about what is going to happen.

Subject número 3: Brad, he just came down to Houston and as much as it was great and all it brings out a lot of emotions. Some good but some not so good. Seen him and being able to hold him and kiss him and all was great, just having him in the same room was good enough for me. But now he is gone and the sadness and loneliness kicks in. Getting in my car has become of a bit of a challenge some what, I turn to the passenger seat and he is not there. Even going to the regular restaurants I normally went to is a tad sad cuz we ate there together . Yeah I know it sounds corny and all but it’s not like we have the advantage of seen each other on a daily basis or even weekly. We have to settle for calls and Skype, which is great and all don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the same thing. I miss him and yet I feel like it’s just becoming the norm for now.

As I met friends now, and try to venture out I still feel like a little kid trapped in a chest, trying to gasp for air. I’ve never been great at juggling people, I try to please everyone, but I always let someone down or I don’t spend as much time with them. It’s not that I don’t want too it’s just the way I am. Although I still talk to them through text and calls its not the same.

I guess right now I feel a little lost, with the way things are going at work, trying to find someone to take my lease and finding a place to live and not to mention missing Brad. Oh and now one of my friends is moving.

Why can’t we go back to when we were little and care free……

What's love got to do with it?

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 23:42:15 -0400

Recently I have been hit with the “Reality Stick”. I’ve always thought I knew who I was, but recently I was told that I don’t. More then one person was pointed out that I don’t know who I am or what I want. And if I am going to be honest with myself, they are right.

Let’s go back to the begging of how all this “revelation” came to be. On Sunday I was at a friends house with some of his other friends and we were having a good time talking, watching movies and shows and even playing DC vs Mortal Kombat. When he asked if we wanted to watch this movie he was in. Of course we all said yes, the movie turned out to be really good and powerful. But at the same time it brought up way to many emotions. The movie “Unimaginable” is about a guy who is in an abusive relationship. He gets beat up and his BF always apologizes and says it won’t ever happen again, well at the end of the movie something happens (don’t want to say what in case anyone decides to watch it, it’s really good) any who through out the movie I was a mess all getting emotional and teary eyed. When the movie finished I had to walk out to the patio and get my together.

For some reason watching that happen brought to many painful memories. I’ve been told that o haven’t dealt with it and I’ve just suppressed those emotions. I agree I have suppressed them into a little black ball and pushed it as far as possible in the pit of my stomach. I have dealt with it, I mean you have to realize that it wasn’t your fault and even though you werent strong enough to stop it you are free from that pain. So why do I feel like that? Why have given that situation so much power?

I think from everything that I have been thru it has made me the person that I am….. But who is that really? I have came to a realization that I’m nothing special to anyone else. We are all the same, but it’s the actions we do that makes us who we are.

Now I’m in this predicament that I don’t know how to handle. I’ve been put on the stop, told that I am not the same person or that I’m not acting like I used too. It’s like I’m not good enough, anything I do or say isn’t good enough.

The second part is that I’ve told that I am pathetic, lonely, miserable and stupid. Maybe I am pathetic for letting people make me feel this way or for letting them question myself. I am who I am and I can’t change my stripes.

I do feel alone at times, even when I’m surrounded by friends and or family…….

But how do you get rid of the negative people on your life that mean the world to you? How do you stop them from trying to change the person you are??

I know I pretend or act like I am this strong uncaring person, but in real life I am too nice and caring. I’m thoughtful and considerate. I like helping people with out asking for anything in return.

So fucken sick and tired of people always putting me down, I don’t need this negativity in my life not right now. I have so much other shit to worry about.

If someone you love is hurting you, verbally, physically or even emotionally how do you say enough and be able move on, knowing you love the person and they are hurting now??!!