Recently I have been hit with the “Reality Stick”. I’ve always thought I knew who I was, but recently I was told that I don’t. More then one person was pointed out that I don’t know who I am or what I want. And if I am going to be honest with myself, they are right.

Let’s go back to the begging of how all this “revelation” came to be. On Sunday I was at a friends house with some of his other friends and we were having a good time talking, watching movies and shows and even playing DC vs Mortal Kombat. When he asked if we wanted to watch this movie he was in. Of course we all said yes, the movie turned out to be really good and powerful. But at the same time it brought up way to many emotions. The movie “Unimaginable” is about a guy who is in an abusive relationship.  He gets beat up and his BF always apologizes and says it won’t ever happen again, well at the end of the movie something happens (don’t want to say what in case anyone decides to watch it, it’s really good) any who through out the movie I was a mess all getting emotional and teary eyed. When the movie finished I had to walk out to the patio and get my together.

For some reason watching that happen brought to many painful memories. I’ve been told that o haven’t dealt with it and I’ve just suppressed those emotions. I agree I have suppressed them into a little black ball and pushed it as far as possible in the pit of my stomach. I have dealt with it, I mean you have to realize that it wasn’t your fault and even though you werent strong enough to stop it you are free from that pain. So why do I feel like that? Why have given that situation so much power?

I think from everything that I have been thru it has made me the person that I am….. But who is that really? I have came to a realization that I’m nothing special to anyone else. We are all the same, but it’s the actions we do that makes us who we are.

Now I’m in this predicament that I don’t know how to handle. I’ve been put on the stop, told that I am not the same person or that I’m not acting like I used too. It’s like I’m not good enough, anything I do or say isn’t good enough.

The second part is that I’ve told that I am pathetic, lonely, miserable and stupid. Maybe I am pathetic for letting people make me feel this way or for letting them question myself. I am who I am and I can’t change my stripes.

I do feel alone at times, even when I’m surrounded by friends and or family…….

But how do you get rid of the negative people on your life that mean the world to you? How do you stop them from trying to change the person you are??

I know I pretend or act like I am this strong uncaring person, but in real life I am too nice and caring. I’m thoughtful and considerate. I like helping people with out asking for anything in return.

So fucken sick and tired of people always putting me down, I don’t need this negativity in my life not right now. I have so much other shit to worry about.

If someone you love is hurting you, verbally, physically or even emotionally how do you say enough and be able move on, knowing you love the person and they are hurting now??!!