I’m so sick and tired of this life, I wish I could just change everything about me, everything around me and everyone I know. But I cant, we have what we have and we try to make the best of it……whatever!

Now most of this blog wont make sense or it might jump around, but its the way my brain is working at the moment. Everything is jumbled up inside.

I’m so tired of all the bullshit, the drama and everything that comes in between or far from it. Ugh I’m so fucken annoyed that I don’t even know where to start. I’m just getting really tired of everything, unfortunately I’m only human and with being human comes feelings and emotions and caring and blah blah blah. I wish there was a way to just turn all that off and be happy. That’s all I want, is to be happy, but at this moment I am not. I hate everything about my life at the moment and it seems that anything I try to do to change always comes with some kind of consequence.

I wish I would have wrote this last night because in my head I had already typed everything up and worded it just the way I wanted to, but now it seems that I am stuck. I know what I want to say, I just don’t know how to say it.

I feel trapped! I’m annoyed, irritated and just plain pissed. Sometimes I wonder whats the point of all this> We love, we hate, we work and play for what? Whats the point of all this.

1. Love doesn’t always last and you will end up getting hurt. Yeah yeah I know “It’s better to have loved then never have loved at all” right? Well who ever wrote or came up with that can just go straight to HELL! If you never loved at all you wouldn’t know the pain and scars that is caused by that. And yeah you move on and all but you are still scared from it.

2. Hate, what does hate bring just more misery. And where does that take you?

3. Work, yeah work pays the bills and buys you nice things or the essentials. But how many people in this world work there hearts out to only stay in the same situation. Most people work hard to stay afloat, and yet still be drowning in bills. While others make more money and buy nicer things just to be in the same spot they were when they made less. We make more money we want nicer things, but that doesn’t make you happy. Well it does for a few moments then you want something else.

4.Play, who ever said “Work hard, Play hard” must have been an idiot! Yeah you work hard to go get trashed or spend all the money you made. Maybe I’m wrong but from the people around me that I have noticed do this it seems like a on going circle. And yet those people see everyone else who is saving money and trying to better themselves as boring and dull.

I don’t know, to be honest at this point of my life I have no idea where I am going. I have so much shit going on that I cant seem to figure out in which way I am heading. Am I going forward or backwards, I cant tell any more. The line between that is so blur that if I was guided in the right direction I wouldn’t even know.

Also, I think I’m beginning to realize some things about me that I might have known but chose to hide away deep in side me. I get so conflicted in so many ways that I confuse myself in figuring out who I really am. Most people think they know me, but they don’t. They know some aspects of me, but not the real me. I’m not a saint, but you say who is? But there are different levels of being a good person. I don’t know where that level lies. I try so hard to not to be like the labels society has placed on us, but I have came to realization that I am lying to myself.

I know I go through a lot of this, and maybe its because sometimes I over think things, and yeah I know most people are like “Here we go again”, but guess what it’s my life and if I want to go there over and over and yeah over again I am. That’s the only way one can figure out what the fuck is going on. I’m tired of people judging me or say they know me or put words in my mouth or judge what I am doing. I’m only human and flesh and blood. I can try as hard to shut out parts of who I am and what I am, but doesn’t mean I’m not them. I have came to pass, to realize that I have been lying to the most important person…..myself! I try to act a certain way, to be seen a certain way. But I’m a fake to a certain degree.

I am angry…I am hurt…I am tired…I am weak…I am loved…I am hated…I am misunderstood…I am confused…I am ME.

Here is another thing, I’m tired of apologizing for who I am. I work hard and I like nice things, and I like to take care of my things. If that makes me a materialistic person who only cares about his stuff and money, I guess I am. I’m not working just to blow my money.

I hate depending on people, because all they are gonna do is let you down. I’m use to standing on my own two feet, but it seems that right now my life is in other peoples hands. Hands that I’m not sure of where they may lead me, hands that I once trusted, and hands that I will need to learn to trust and confide.

Sometimes I don’t think I am ready for anything anymore, I doubt myself, I wonder and I wander, sometimes I loose myself in music. I try to learn from my mistakes and mistakes of others and yet I still feel lost. I wonder what the purpose of everything is, or what it means.

I’m lost….if anyone finds me wandering around……please return me.