When I watched the Grammy’s and saw that Adele won all 6 Grammy’s I was and am so happy that someone that worked really hard and deserves it won. I love how both of her CD’s can tell the life of a relationship with a few songs.
Sometimes sitting in the dark
Wishing you were here
Turns me crazy,
But it’s you who makes me lose my head.
I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
I’m tired of trying
Your teasing ain’t enough
Fed up of buying your time
When I don’t get nothing back
And for what, and for what, and for what
When I don’t get nothing back
Oi I’m tired
You say it’s all in my head
And the things I think just don’t make sense
So where you been then? Don’t go all coy
Don’t turn it round on me like it’s my fault
See I can see that look in your eyes
The one that shoots me each and every time
‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.
The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have it all
This is how I feel the life of a relationship goes, tell me if I’m wrong? Thank you Adele for always having a song to help me through them crazy days.
Don’t you wish sometimes you could take something back, erase a conversation or never have a conversation. Well, I wish I could take by time and undo or unlearn something today. Only because I don’t know how to take the information, I’m dumbfounded. How do I take this information and not let it affect things? Do I ignore it and continue going on with things?
UGH!! I’m so freaking confused and yet I’m not, if that makes any sense. I just wish things could go back to the way they were, why do I have to be this way? Why do I over think things and plan things out long term? Why can’t I just flow with things and let things happen when and if they gonna happen?
It’s 2:17am and no one to talk too…….and tomorrow I wont want to talk about it anymore. I just want to put that away and never have to revisit it, but how? i don’t know.
Sigh
Lost…..confused…..and no one to talk too
It’s time for me to start letting go of the past and let it control me, even though it has made me the person I am I need to let it go. I’m never get the answers I need and deserve, and I understand that and beginning to be ok with that. So here it goes:
You were one of the two most important people in my live, one of whom was suppose to love me unconditional and protect me from any and all harm. Yet you were the one person that caused me the most harm and hurt, you beat me and belittled me. You would choke the living shit out of me and punched me just because you weren’t having a good day or I didn’t answer your question the way you wanted it answered. No the shirt is not yellow it’s blue and I’m not going to say its yellow because that’s what you want me to say, the shirt is blue and that’s that, it’s not the color you say it is because it’s not that color not because I am being stubborn or disobedient. I’m sorry I was never the person you wanted me to be growing up, but you were never the man I was supposed to look up to so I guess we are even. Now that it’s been years don’t try to come back into my life, you’ve had your chance when I gave you a second chance and what happen? You made promise you never intended to keep and never heard from you again. Then you wanna come back and start something new again? No it doesn’t work that way, I’ve been told because of the person you are I’m supposed to give you another chance and hear you out. Why, when all you are going to do is disappoint me again, all the lies and miss truths and broken promises and all the tears you put me threw are over. I am who I am because of you, the one thing you did manage to do for me was make me a stronger person, and even though I have had my moments of weakness I still come out of it with my head held high.
So this is for me and not for you: I forgive you for everything you put me threw and my family, I forgive you for beating me and kicking me when I was on the floor, I forgive you for choking me and making me feel useless, I forgive you for walking out on us and leaving us with nothing but each other, I forgive you for all this just make no mistake I forgive you I am not forgetting. You made us stronger, so the best thing you did for us was leave, thank you and have a great live DAD!
This chapter is now closed and I am going to move past it and try not to think of it twice. You have no more power over me!!!!
I don’t know why I have become an emotional wreck lately, it’s like I’m wearing my feeling on my sleeve. This is not who I am, I haven’t been called a Bitch, or Cold Hearted, Asshole for nothing. Yet, this couple of months it seems that I feel so vulnerable. Why can’t things just be perfect. Why is it that when you think things are going great and things are going to be ok, it’s when everything falls apart.
Sometimes sitting at home, I feel so alone, so useless. I feel like I’ve just become a huge disappointment to myself and others, mostly me. Sometimes I feel like I wanna break down and cry, yet I don’t know why. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m to blame for everything that doesn’t go right. I wasn’t the only one making promise we couldn’t keep.
Maybe things are better of the way they are, because the only thing I’m doing is hurting people. It seems that when something blows up and doesn’t go the way it’s suppose to that’s when everyone wants to put there input and bring me down, like I need any help with that.
I’m just so tired of feeling the way I do, I just want to be all around happy in every aspect of my life. Yet I know I am the only one that has control of this, I have to make myself happy and surround myself with people who want the best for me.
Maybe holding all my feelings back are starting to give in, pushing all that anger and hate in to a little black ball is starting to push back. I guess I need to learn to let go of all the anger and hate and stop holding everything in and deal with whatever comes along.
I also need to let go of the past and the people from it, things will work them selfs out if and when the time is right. If we were meant to be friends we will, if we weren’t well it was great knowing you hope you have a great life and wish you nothing but the best. Thank you for all you did, I miss you and will miss you!!!
Gonna try and close this chapter and start a new clean slate one.
I’m sitting outside Kroger crying, I feel like I’m failing at everything I do. Like I can’t do anything right. Like all I do is hurt people. Today after lunch I ran a stop sign not on purpose but didn’t care that a car was coming. I normally would have hit my break but I kept going like nothing.
Why do I feel this way? Why am I feeling like an emotional wreck…. It’s not me!
Who is this person?! And why I’d it taking over me!!!!
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How is it that I have gone from being a cold-hearted bitch to someone that wears his emotions on his sleeve? Things used to roll off my back with not even a second thought on whatever was done or said, but it seems lately I’ve become a tad of a emotional wreck. Not a feeling I am used to or really care to feel, and yeah maybe it’s because I’m not 100% sure how to express my feelings and I’m learning as I go to deal with them then repress them.
What does this have to do with anything you ask. Yesterday I had a very enlightened conversation that was both hurtful and out of nowhere. Well maybe nowhere for me because it took me from surprise and maybe the reason why it hurt me the most.
I was told that it’s always about be and my personal life, do I talk about who I am dating more then I should? Or is it that my “friends” are suppose to be there for me as I am for them. I can’t help being happy with the person I am with and want to talk about them. Yeah I ask about the other person but if they don’t want to talk about how they are feeling or going threw how is that a fair conversation, right? I’m learning to be able to express myself more and more on how I feel.
To accuse me of something, just because you don’t like the fact I don’t agree with you on something doesn’t give you the right to lash out at me. Who cares what anyone thinks about who you like, the only person that should truly matter is yourself. Yes you hope that your friends and family will care about the person you are with as much as you do, but if they don’t like them it’s like my mom always says “who is dating them? You or me?” what does that mean you ask, you are with that person and they make you happy then who cares what anyone thinks. Be happy enjoy life, you only have one life to live try to make it the best you can, and if you friends don’t like the person you are with then that’s ok you are dating that person not your friends. Your friends will come around once they get to know the person. Now if the person treats you like crap or beats you then yeah it’s understandable why your friends don’t like them and you should probably listen to them because no one deserves to be mistreated.
RuPaul said it best “If you can’t love yourself how do you expect to love someone else”
I’m always going to be there for my friends if I like the situation or not that’s what friends are there for, to listen and talk and be able to give advice. Even though it’s hard to listen to advice sometimes your friends have to be able to understand that advice has to be positive and helpful and not negative by try to bring or tear you down.
So if you feel that all I do is talk about me or my relationship maybe we need to reevaluate our “friendship”. That or start to be more open.
Words from a friend to another friend….. Friends come and go but a TRUE friend is hard to find.
What a way to start the New Year, first day of the year and I got into two arguments with two people I care about. But they don’t see it that way and that’s fine it’s there opinion. The one thing that I have realized from the arguments is that I need to keep my personal life to myself. No more sharing it only does more harm then good.
Yeah you might think that I’m cold hearted or just plain cold and mean, but I’m not. Just because I deal with things in a different way then you or anyone else doesn’t mean I don’t care or am hurting. Yeah I am who I am and I deal with things the way I always have. So call me what you want, I can take it. You aren’t the first or last person to try to put me down.
I am who I am! Broken hearted or breaking hearts is not my thing, things sometimes aren’t meant to be even as much as I want them to be. My heart has been broken more then I care to count, just cuz I ended it didn’t mean I wanted to end it, sometimes it’s just means it didn’t work out.
So this will be my last personal blog that will be visible to everyone, from this point on my personal life is that PERSONAL. Think what you may and that’s fine it’s your God Given Right!
So Happy Freaking New Year!!
How do you love someone so much you don’t know how to be with them. Why is it that when you love someone all you want to do is protect them and not let them get hurt but you are the one causing all the hurt. How do you protect the one you love and love them the way they should when you can be with them. Why is love so unfair, why do we fall in love with the one person we cant have. Why is it that your heart still skips a beat when you think of them or when you hear a song that you both love, how do you try to get over them when you can’t stop loving them……. Why is this so freaking hard, why can’t I see what I see and try to move on, why does my heart and brain and head don’t want to participate together. Why can’t I have the one I love and long for.
Why do I imagine my entire live with them only for it to be extinguished
What was suppose to be a night of getting away from everything going on in my life, I just wanted to hang out with some friends and have a great time. A good surprise was Carlos, Tom and Steve(n) came as well a little later after we had already started drinking. Well they all decided that they wanted to go dance at this Latin club called “Crystal”. Now I’m not a huge fan of it, but agreed to go and have a good time. Which by the way I knew I wasn’t going to be able drink as much as I wanted.
Well one got drunk and wasn’t being very lively, he looked like a zombie just starting at the Abby’s. The hoe found a trick to go home with (after he was supposedly been there for me) HA! Bullshit! And well the low blow was when I was leaving to the club.
So over all this night BLEW!! All I want is to forget everything have a good time laugh, smile, drink and party……but all I got was a sober early night.
Where was the fun in this night!
Spiraling out of control
Failure, disappointment, confusion
Hurt, angry, displaced
Why is it that when it rains it pours in life?
My mom always said “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle” But what if you don’t believe in him, what does that mean? I know that this is just a temporary thing and things will get better. I know they will, I just don’t know if I want things to get better. I mean we all want things to get better and not have to feel this way, but at the same time I like this destructive side of me. Making bad decisions, going out drinking and not caring what is going to happen in that intense. Not caring who is going to get hurt, blood pumping with adrenaline and alcohol. You feel unstoppable in till those feelings you are trying to run away from catch up to you. Making you feel everything you tried to escape, even if it’s only for one night. Life is both cruel and unfair, but that’s life. Yet at times it can be sweet and unforgettable.
Why is it that when I feel like shit the radio has to play the worst timing songs. Lately when I get in the car they will play “Someone like you” by Adele and “The One That Got Away” by Katy Perry back to back. Never fails they have plaid that more then once when I have gotten in the car, and yeah I love the songs, but I guess in the situation I am in at the moment yeah I don’t care to listen to them.
If it wasn’t hard enough with out having to be reminded, even when I drink. You would think alcohol would kill the pain, but instead it seems that it just magnifies my emotions by a million.
Now I know how single people feel when asked about there relationship status. I went out and two straight women wanted to know what the most romantic thing I or someone has ever done….. Sure kick a guy when they down, they ask why I am single and all. UGH seriously I just wanted to get drunk and forget for at least a little while.
Why can’t we just be happy, find someone we love and be able to live with them with out the drama. Or is that too much to ask. Or is someone gonna say its not the destination but the adventure getting there….. I call BS!!
Take that love!
Jamie Blunt was only 15 years old and had his entire life in front of him, but he was robbed of it by bullies. Not everyone has a tough skin and those mean harsh words said to them do hurt. Jamie committed suicide because he couldn’t take the bullying anymore for being gay. I read his blog, and you can tell that all he wanted was to be happy and excepted by his peers. But all he got was bullies teasing him, calling him names and even shoving batteries down his throat. What are we teaching kids this days? Where is all this hate and discrimination coming from?
Jamey Rodemeyer was only 14 years old when he committed suicide. His sister found him, hanging from the swing set his parents built for them. He was also teased and harassed by other kids, told him he was better off dead and called him a faggot, and a queer. He had made a “It gets better” YouTube video, telling other kids that it does get better, but it didn’t for him. His blogs and even his video blogs were infested with harsh words or threats. His last words were for his idol Lady Gaga who he adored and how he missed his grandmother and would see her again.
What is this world coming to where we can’t be safe any where we go. Growing up I struggled to realize and overcome my sexuality. I was harassed and bullied during school, mostly because I was short and skinny. I’ve had more then one incident were I was stabbed with a pencil or a pen. I didn’t report any of this, because I figured all it would do was cause more drama. I don’t really recall ever thinking about committing suicide, but again I was never teased or harassed as they were.
No a days it doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight, black, white, Mexican or even disabled bullies don’t care who you are or what you have. They will tear you apart just for their amusement. And we are all guilty of making fun of someone or joining in a racial joke, I know I am. Something has to give, when do we say enough is enough and make people pay for there actions.
In some states cyber-bullying is illegal, I think it should be every where. With the technology we have we should be able to keep kids safe.
I’m glad that I grew up with a mother and sibling that accepted me, even though it was hard at first. I know its not always easy coming out, my experience wasn’t a joyce one but I had to do it for me. I didn’t want my family and friends finding out by someone else, but through me. And yes it’s not going to be easy and you will have to stand up for yourself cuz in till you do you’ll never be truly happy. I don’t know who all in my family knows that I am gay, and it’s not because I’m hiding who I am, I just don’t talk to my dads side of the family (but that’s another issue). My moms side for the most part know. The people that know are the people I care and love for and that’s all that matters. I have one live to live and I’m going to live it the way I know best.
To all thoughts who this approve of me or you tell them to fuck off this is your life and your life only. You have to make yourself happy because no one is going to do it for you.
To all who have lost there lives because of bullying may they Rest in Peace!