What a way to start the New Year, first day of the year and I got into two arguments with two people I care about. But they don’t see it that way and that’s fine it’s there opinion. The one thing that I have realized from the arguments is that I need to keep my personal life to myself. No more sharing it only does more harm then good.

Yeah you might think that I’m cold hearted or just plain cold and mean, but I’m not. Just because I deal with things in a different way then you or anyone else doesn’t mean I don’t care or am hurting. Yeah I am who I am and I deal with things the way I always have. So call me what you want, I can take it. You aren’t the first or last person to try to put me down.

I am who I am! Broken hearted or breaking hearts is not my thing, things sometimes aren’t meant to be even as much as I want them to be. My heart has been broken more then I care to count, just cuz I ended it didn’t mean I wanted to end it, sometimes it’s just means it didn’t work out.

So this will be my last personal blog that will be visible to everyone, from this point on my personal life is that PERSONAL. Think what you may and that’s fine it’s your God Given Right!

So Happy Freaking New Year!!

How do you love someone so much you don’t know how to be with them. Why is it that when you love someone all you want to do is protect them and not let them get hurt but you are the one causing all the hurt. How do you protect the one you love and love them the way they should when you can be with them. Why is love so unfair, why do we fall in love with the one person we cant have. Why is it that your heart still skips a beat when you think of them or when you hear a song that you both love, how do you try to get over them when you can’t stop loving them……. Why is this so freaking hard, why can’t I see what I see and try to move on, why does my heart and brain and head don’t want to participate together. Why can’t I have the one I love and long for.

Why do I imagine my entire live with them only for it to be extinguished

What was suppose to be a night of getting away from everything going on in my life, I just wanted to hang out with some friends and have a great time. A good surprise was Carlos, Tom and Steve(n) came as well a little later after we had already started drinking. Well they all decided that they wanted to go dance at this Latin club called “Crystal”. Now I’m not a huge fan of it, but agreed to go and have a good time. Which by the way I knew I wasn’t going to be able drink as much as I wanted.

Well one got drunk and wasn’t being very lively, he looked like a zombie just starting at the Abby’s. The hoe found a trick to go home with (after he was supposedly been there for me) HA! Bullshit! And well the low blow was when I was leaving to the club.

So over all this night BLEW!! All I want is to forget everything have a good time laugh, smile, drink and party……but all I got was a sober early night.

Where was the fun in this night!

Spiraling out of control
Failure, disappointment, confusion
Hurt, angry, displaced

Why is it that when it rains it pours in life?

My mom always said “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle” But what if you don’t believe in him, what does that mean? I know that this is just a temporary thing and things will get better. I know they will, I just don’t know if I want things to get better. I mean we all want things to get better and not have to feel this way, but at the same time I like this destructive side of me. Making bad decisions, going out drinking and not caring what is going to happen in that intense. Not caring who is going to get hurt, blood pumping with adrenaline and alcohol. You feel unstoppable in till those feelings you are trying to run away from catch up to you. Making you feel everything you tried to escape, even if it’s only for one night. Life is both cruel and unfair, but that’s life. Yet at times it can be sweet and unforgettable.

Why is it that when I feel like shit the radio has to play the worst timing songs. Lately when I get in the car they will play “Someone like you” by Adele and “The One That Got Away” by Katy Perry back to back. Never fails they have plaid that more then once when I have gotten in the car, and yeah I love the songs, but I guess in the situation I am in at the moment yeah I don’t care to listen to them.

If it wasn’t hard enough with out having to be reminded, even when I drink. You would think alcohol would kill the pain, but instead it seems that it just magnifies my emotions by a million.

Now I know how single people feel when asked about there relationship status. I went out and two straight women wanted to know what the most romantic thing I or someone has ever done….. Sure kick a guy when they down, they ask why I am single and all. UGH seriously I just wanted to get drunk and forget for at least a little while.

Why can’t we just be happy, find someone we love and be able to live with them with out the drama. Or is that too much to ask. Or is someone gonna say its not the destination but the adventure getting there….. I call BS!!

Take that love!

Jamie Blunt was only 15 years old and had his entire life in front of him, but he was robbed of it by bullies. Not everyone has a tough skin and those mean harsh words said to them do hurt. Jamie committed suicide because he couldn’t take the bullying anymore for being gay. I read his blog, and you can tell that all he wanted was to be happy and excepted by his peers. But all he got was bullies teasing him, calling him names and even shoving batteries down his throat. What are we teaching kids this days? Where is all this hate and discrimination coming from?

Jamey Rodemeyer was only 14 years old when he committed suicide. His sister found him, hanging from the swing set his parents built for them. He was also teased and harassed by other kids, told him he was better off dead and called him a faggot, and a queer. He had made a “It gets better” YouTube video, telling other kids that it does get better, but it didn’t for him. His blogs and even his video blogs were infested with harsh words or threats. His last words were for his idol Lady Gaga who he adored and how he missed his grandmother and would see her again.

What is this world coming to where we can’t be safe any where we go. Growing up I struggled to realize and overcome my sexuality. I was harassed and bullied during school, mostly because I was short and skinny. I’ve had more then one incident were I was stabbed with a pencil or a pen. I didn’t report any of this, because I figured all it would do was cause more drama. I don’t really recall ever thinking about committing suicide, but again I was never teased or harassed as they were.

No a days it doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight, black, white, Mexican or even disabled bullies don’t care who you are or what you have. They will tear you apart just for their amusement. And we are all guilty of making fun of someone or joining in a racial joke, I know I am. Something has to give, when do we say enough is enough and make people pay for there actions.

In some states cyber-bullying is illegal, I think it should be every where. With the technology we have we should be able to keep kids safe.

I’m glad that I grew up with a mother and sibling that accepted me, even though it was hard at first. I know its not always easy coming out, my experience wasn’t a joyce one but I had to do it for me. I didn’t want my family and friends finding out by someone else, but through me. And yes it’s not going to be easy and you will have to stand up for yourself cuz in till you do you’ll never be truly happy. I don’t know who all in my family knows that I am gay, and it’s not because I’m hiding who I am, I just don’t talk to my dads side of the family (but that’s another issue). My moms side for the most part know. The people that know are the people I care and love for and that’s all that matters. I have one live to live and I’m going to live it the way I know best.

To all thoughts who this approve of me or you tell them to fuck off this is your life and your life only. You have to make yourself happy because no one is going to do it for you.

To all who have lost there lives because of bullying may they Rest in Peace!

Its October 14th and I was just given the news that my last day at my job will be October 31st. And to be honest I couldn’t be more excited, not because I want to be lazy or sit around a home but because it was time. The 8 hours that I was at work I kid you not if you compressed the hours I actually work it would be about 3-4 hours. Not because I slacked or anything, but because we had no work to do. Even when I looked for work or did someone else’s work I still had nothing to do for the rest of the day.

So now that I am being laid off, my world has been turned UP SIDE DOWN. What was suppose to be a happy day has turned it to a WTF are we gonna do now? So the plan was for me to move to Canada and start a new life there, but looks like thats not gonna happen.

In LIMBO at the moment.

If someone would have told me that I one day would be in this situation I would have never believed it. Who knew I would fall in love with someone living in another country. It’s not something I would have wanted to do, because it’s really hard. Not being able to hold them or kiss them good morning or good night. Or just too kiss hem just to kiss them.

Now I’ve been in this relationship for about 2 years and even though there have been some rocky fighting and mountains we had to go over I wouldn’t change anything. I think it’s made us stronger, but even as strong as it has made me I feel at points useless, hopeless and lonely.

No one ever said that long distance relationships are easy or would I recommend them, as hypocritical as that sounds I can say that I don’t think LTR are for everyone. I think to a certain point I don’t think they are for me either, even though I am in one. I have never thought of myself as a needy person, needing that person being around me all the time. It my past relationship I would tell my ex that he was suffocating me, I couldn’t be in e same apartment with out him being in the same room. If I went to the bedroom he would follow me. I need space, I need time to unwind, or just time for myself.

I dated someone who I was crazy over, he could do no wrong. We dated for 2 and a half years but it ended because of the distance. We lived together for the first 2 years, it was the 6 months apart that I couldn’t stand. I tried to make things work, but guess it wasn’t meant to be. I called with no answer, I saw him once every three months if that. And it’s not like we lived that far, it was about an hour diving distance. But I need more then that, I need and want more.

Now that I am in a LTR again, sometimes I start to have this feelings of despair, loneliness, frustration and sadness. As much as miss him at times I feel like it’s getting to be the norm. What does that say about me? Do I just get accustom to the situation and take it for it is or is it that I’m just getting used to it. Either way I do miss him and love him and can’t wait to be together, but with all the hurtles we have to jump through it seems that it’s getting harder and harder.

The funny thing is when ever I hear a song that reminds me of him it makes me forget all my worries and thoughts, but it only lasts a few minutes.

Don’t you hate it when you are at work with nothing to do, it’s like staring at paint dry. That’s my job….slow! Not that I don’t mind it, I mean I’m getting paid to play Angry Birds and Plants vs Zombies. Okay okay they are not paying to actually play those games, but I have nothing else to do. My work is so far done, just waiting on to see what else pops up on my computer.

Another reason I hate days this slow is because if something happens or I’m told something my brain will just run with it all freaking day. Well at least while at work cuz I have nothing else to do then think about the situation. And no I am not talking about the DUMB ASS from the most IDIOTIC show called Jersey Shore. Who ever came up with that shows needs to be beaten to a bloody pulp….. Just my opinion and the thousand of million of brain cells that die just thinking of the show. Ooops there goes half a million brain cells…..TEHE!

Hmmm so much to talk about and nothing to write about. Guess that’s all for now folks….. Y’all come back now ya hear!

Why is it that when you think about blogging about a certain topic your brain becomes like diarrhea. Full of ideas and thoughts, but as soon as you wanna start writing it, your brain gets constipated. You like my analogy? I need some Brain Pepto Bismol Tehee

Any who I digress, so this year has been a tad stressful year. Lets see one my roommate is inconsiderate, he eats my food, drinks the water and doesn’t replace or ask. And if he does ask he already eating the food as he asks. I don’t really mind cuz most likely it’s going to go to waste, but at least ask. Now the water thing does boil my blood, he buys gallon bottles to my 32 pack 16oz bottles. Now I love me some cold water so if you take some water out the fridge replace it with some more. I always buy 3 cases so there is water in the pantry. The point is he will that water before drinking his…..cheap ass bastard! Not just that I had to change my door handle to a key one, cuz he has gone into my room to get things with out asking. He went in to get a box of nails I had just bought and got 3 of my movies. Can we say personal space…..now I wouldn’t go into someone’s room and just get things with out asking so now every time I leave the house I lock my room….sad I know.

We’ve had some other issues which I really won’t have to worry about seen I am subleasing my apartment. Now you would think he would try to find someone himself but instead left it up to me, which is find cuz all I’m looking for is someone to take over and pay the rent. Now the problem now is that I have 3 people interested and willing to move in on different dates, the thing is I have no idea where I am going to live. And it’s got me a tad worried and concerned, you would think I would have figured out where I was going to live before trying to move out. But that’s how tired of living there!

Next subject: Work
Well the company I work for has been bought out by another company (duh), and they have shut down both our Dallas and Atlanta office. And they said they are going to lay off about 70% of the company. Which can be a good and bad thing, I’m so ready for a change. After working here for 6 years and busting my butt and having no recognition for all what I do….. It’s getting old! I do a lot of the work and both my supervisor and boss know this, I have printed the reports for an entire month and yet nothing changes. So hopefully when they come around with our severance package I will be one of the lucky once or maybe get a better offer. None the less I’m not stressing about it seen that I have no control over the situation but I am a tad worried about what is going to happen.

Subject número 3: Brad, he just came down to Houston and as much as it was great and all it brings out a lot of emotions. Some good but some not so good. Seen him and being able to hold him and kiss him and all was great, just having him in the same room was good enough for me. But now he is gone and the sadness and loneliness kicks in. Getting in my car has become of a bit of a challenge some what, I turn to the passenger seat and he is not there. Even going to the regular restaurants I normally went to is a tad sad cuz we ate there together . Yeah I know it sounds corny and all but it’s not like we have the advantage of seen each other on a daily basis or even weekly. We have to settle for calls and Skype, which is great and all don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the same thing. I miss him and yet I feel like it’s just becoming the norm for now.

As I met friends now, and try to venture out I still feel like a little kid trapped in a chest, trying to gasp for air. I’ve never been great at juggling people, I try to please everyone, but I always let someone down or I don’t spend as much time with them. It’s not that I don’t want too it’s just the way I am. Although I still talk to them through text and calls its not the same.

I guess right now I feel a little lost, with the way things are going at work, trying to find someone to take my lease and finding a place to live and not to mention missing Brad. Oh and now one of my friends is moving.

Why can’t we go back to when we were little and care free……

Recently I have been hit with the “Reality Stick”. I’ve always thought I knew who I was, but recently I was told that I don’t. More then one person was pointed out that I don’t know who I am or what I want. And if I am going to be honest with myself, they are right.

Let’s go back to the begging of how all this “revelation” came to be. On Sunday I was at a friends house with some of his other friends and we were having a good time talking, watching movies and shows and even playing DC vs Mortal Kombat. When he asked if we wanted to watch this movie he was in. Of course we all said yes, the movie turned out to be really good and powerful. But at the same time it brought up way to many emotions. The movie “Unimaginable” is about a guy who is in an abusive relationship.  He gets beat up and his BF always apologizes and says it won’t ever happen again, well at the end of the movie something happens (don’t want to say what in case anyone decides to watch it, it’s really good) any who through out the movie I was a mess all getting emotional and teary eyed. When the movie finished I had to walk out to the patio and get my together.

For some reason watching that happen brought to many painful memories. I’ve been told that o haven’t dealt with it and I’ve just suppressed those emotions. I agree I have suppressed them into a little black ball and pushed it as far as possible in the pit of my stomach. I have dealt with it, I mean you have to realize that it wasn’t your fault and even though you werent strong enough to stop it you are free from that pain. So why do I feel like that? Why have given that situation so much power?

I think from everything that I have been thru it has made me the person that I am….. But who is that really? I have came to a realization that I’m nothing special to anyone else. We are all the same, but it’s the actions we do that makes us who we are.

Now I’m in this predicament that I don’t know how to handle. I’ve been put on the stop, told that I am not the same person or that I’m not acting like I used too. It’s like I’m not good enough, anything I do or say isn’t good enough.

The second part is that I’ve told that I am pathetic, lonely, miserable and stupid. Maybe I am pathetic for letting people make me feel this way or for letting them question myself. I am who I am and I can’t change my stripes.

I do feel alone at times, even when I’m surrounded by friends and or family…….

But how do you get rid of the negative people on your life that mean the world to you? How do you stop them from trying to change the person you are??

I know I pretend or act like I am this strong uncaring person, but in real life I am too nice and caring. I’m thoughtful and considerate. I like helping people with out asking for anything in return.

So fucken sick and tired of people always putting me down, I don’t need this negativity in my life not right now. I have so much other shit to worry about.

If someone you love is hurting you, verbally, physically or even emotionally how do you say enough and be able move on, knowing you love the person and they are hurting now??!!

This few couple of weeks have been both exciting and lonely…..

Exciting because I am getting out and trying to make some new friends, which has always been a problem for me to do. One because I have always been in a relationship and they tended to take a lot of my time, not that I was/am complaining or that it’s a bad thing. In the situation that I am in at the moment it has given me the chance to have some freedom to go out and make some new much needed friends. Not that there was or is anything with the friends I have, it’s just that we aren’t always free to do things and I need more friends to hang out with. Now I have got to meet 4 people since this newly freedom that I have established.

There is Chris who seems like a great guy, but is in the closet and has a few to many issues I care not to deal with. I understand we all come out when we are ready but I have already been there done that. He has asked questions about different situations and all I can do is give him my advice, what he does with it is up to him.

Brad, is a co-worker that I figured I’d try to get to know and maybe be friends with. The guy is um what’s a nice word to describe him as besides saying “crazy”. Will just say he a bit out there. He texts me every so often but he seems so pushy and needy and we all know “Christian don’t do needy” lol Any who one text asked me when we could do lunch, I was like I don’t know we short staffed. His reply well can you answer when you can? Uh hellur did I not just say I DON’T KNOW. People come on…..Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints!! So now I reply short to the point answers.

Now there is Carlos, the only flaw I can find on him is that he has a man, lol but so do I. TEHE No but seriously he is actually a very nice caring guy, really thoughtful and sweet. I have actually hung out with him w few times alone and with his boyfriend. And they are both actually really kool to hang out with. They have welcomed me to there home, we have gone out to dinner and even the movies. Now you would think I would feel like a third wheel, but they don’t treat you like one. So you don’t feel left out. Now they are actually both very outgoing and into a lot of things. Carlos is an actor, model, trainer, and co-owner of his BF and his gym. Besides that he has a few other talents. Tom (his BF) used to own his own business, owns a gym, is a author and a personal trainer…plus they both can cook really good or I think so cuz it smells really good.

Well, those are pretty much the four people I have met and you can tell at least one to maybe two will be eliminated lol.

Now hanging out with Carlos and Tom have made me realize how lonely I really am. I mean I knew I was lonely but didn’t realize how much. But I have been trying to keep myself occupied by getting out more. But even that makes me feel lonely at times.

Well that’s the rant of the day…..

I know I’m late answering the same questions from the show 1 Girl 5 Gays. I’m two shows behind, but I am going to try to catch up. So this blog is actually going to have two episodes integrated in it. The first episode aired on 2/14 in the US (CA 9/10) the second episode aired on 2/21 in the US (CA 9/17). Now the show actually has 20 questions but some questions pertain to either specifically someone or someone to left or right on the show so I can’t really answer those. Enjoy!

EPISODE ONE

1. WOULD YOU WATCH A SPENCER AND HEIDI SEX TAP? No I can’t stand either one

2. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FUNNY? I think I have my moments

3. WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST WEAKNESS? Caring to much

4. DESCRIBE THE PERFECT BALLS not to big not to small

5. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED? no, but have been detained twice

6. WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS AFTER YOU DIE? nothing your dead

7. IF YOU WERE A BRAND OF CLOTHING, WHAT BRAND WOULD YOU BE? hmm either American Eagle or Express

8. WHO WOULD YOU DO FERGIE OR KE$HA? Fergie she is was hotter, plus sh has a hot husband….three way??

9. HAVE YOU EVER CONFRONTED SOMEONE ON THEIR HOMOPHOBIA?  No, don’t care how they feel

10. WHAT’S YOUR MOST MEMORABLE KISS? I have a few

11. HAVE YOU EVER DATED SOMEONE THAT WANTED TO CHANGE YOU? Yes, I think they all have

12. WHO IS THE CRUDEST PERSON YOU KNOW? Paul, he has a mouth on him sometimes

13. IF YOU COULD REMOVE ONE DAY FROM YOUR LIFE, WHAT DAY WOULD IT BE? Can’t think of a specific one

14. WHO WOULD YOU DO HARRISON FORD OR ALEC BALDWIN? Harrison Ford, Alec is a douche

15. DO YOU PREFER AMATEUR OR PROFESSIONAL PORN? Don’t really care for porn, but I would say amateur, professional is to fake

16. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SOMEONE’S ATTRACTION TO YOU? Yes, they get to touchy

17. WHAT MEAL REMINDS YOU OF YOUR MOTHER? Mole, I love me some mole

18. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU FELT HELPLESS? Today

EPISODE TWO

1. DESCRIBE THE PERFECT BLOW JOB A satisfying one

2. HOW FAR HAVE YOU GONE WITH SOMEONE IN THE BACK OF A CAB? No very rare I take a cab, but have in a car

3. HAVE YOU EVER TASTED YOUR OWN SEMEN? who hasn’t…..its curiosity

4. IF YOU HAD A SEXUAL “TO-DO” LIST, WHAT WOULD BE ON TOP OF THE LIST? More like who would be on top

5. WOULD YOU CONSIDER SPEED DATING? If I was single yes, would be a great way to meet people

6. WHO WOULD YOU DO SEAN PENN OR WYCLEF JEAN? Hmmm Sean Penn because of the movie Milk”

7. DESCRIBE THE BIGGEST PENIS YOU’VE SEEN IN REAL LIFE It was kinda too thick rather then big

8. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CRUSH ON A SIBLING’S PARTNER? NO, me and my sister have totally different taste

9. HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT A WOMAN WHO TWEETED ON THE DETAILS OF HER ABORTION? OK, I think that’s kind of empowering. Plus other woman can learn about someones experience 

10. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DAYDREAMED ABOUT? sex

11. IF YOU COULD UN-KNOW SOMETHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE? religion

12. WHO WOULD YOU DO ELLEN PAGE OR KRISTEN STEWART? Ellen Page she is just to adorable

13. IF YOU HAD A PAIR OF CLIPPERS, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO YERXA’S BEARD? Trim it

14. IF THERE WAS A PILL THAT COULD MAKE YOU STRAIGHT, WOULD YOU TAKE IT? No, I am who I am. Straight or gay we all go through the same shit

15. OF THE GUYS WHO HAVE APPEARED ON THIS SHOW, WHO IS THE MOST PASSIONATE? Jake, Andrew and Yerxa

16. IF YOUR PARTNER WAS INFECTED WITH HIV BY A PREVIOUS PARTNER, WOULD YOU CONTINUE TO DATE HIM? Yes, HIV doesn’t define someone

17. IF YOU HAD A DIARY, WHAT WOULD TODAY’S ENTRY SAY? easy I just wrote about it “Life WTF!?”

I’m so sick and tired of this life, I wish I could just change everything about me, everything around me and everyone I know. But I cant, we have what we have and we try to make the best of it……whatever!

Now most of this blog wont make sense or it might jump around, but its the way my brain is working at the moment. Everything is jumbled up inside.

I’m so tired of all the bullshit, the drama and everything that comes in between or far from it. Ugh I’m so fucken annoyed that I don’t even know where to start. I’m just getting really tired of everything, unfortunately I’m only human and with being human comes feelings and emotions and caring and blah blah blah. I wish there was a way to just turn all that off and be happy. That’s all I want, is to be happy, but at this moment I am not. I hate everything about my life at the moment and it seems that anything I try to do to change always comes with some kind of consequence.

I wish I would have wrote this last night because in my head I had already typed everything up and worded it just the way I wanted to, but now it seems that I am stuck. I know what I want to say, I just don’t know how to say it.

I feel trapped! I’m annoyed, irritated and just plain pissed. Sometimes I wonder whats the point of all this> We love, we hate, we work and play for what? Whats the point of all this.

1. Love doesn’t always last and you will end up getting hurt. Yeah yeah I know “It’s better to have loved then never have loved at all” right? Well who ever wrote or came up with that can just go straight to HELL! If you never loved at all you wouldn’t know the pain and scars that is caused by that. And yeah you move on and all but you are still scared from it.

2. Hate, what does hate bring just more misery. And where does that take you?

3. Work, yeah work pays the bills and buys you nice things or the essentials. But how many people in this world work there hearts out to only stay in the same situation. Most people work hard to stay afloat, and yet still be drowning in bills. While others make more money and buy nicer things just to be in the same spot they were when they made less. We make more money we want nicer things, but that doesn’t make you happy. Well it does for a few moments then you want something else.

4.Play, who ever said “Work hard, Play hard” must have been an idiot! Yeah you work hard to go get trashed or spend all the money you made. Maybe I’m wrong but from the people around me that I have noticed do this it seems like a on going circle. And yet those people see everyone else who is saving money and trying to better themselves as boring and dull.

I don’t know, to be honest at this point of my life I have no idea where I am going. I have so much shit going on that I cant seem to figure out in which way I am heading. Am I going forward or backwards, I cant tell any more. The line between that is so blur that if I was guided in the right direction I wouldn’t even know.

Also, I think I’m beginning to realize some things about me that I might have known but chose to hide away deep in side me. I get so conflicted in so many ways that I confuse myself in figuring out who I really am. Most people think they know me, but they don’t. They know some aspects of me, but not the real me. I’m not a saint, but you say who is? But there are different levels of being a good person. I don’t know where that level lies. I try so hard to not to be like the labels society has placed on us, but I have came to realization that I am lying to myself.

I know I go through a lot of this, and maybe its because sometimes I over think things, and yeah I know most people are like “Here we go again”, but guess what it’s my life and if I want to go there over and over and yeah over again I am. That’s the only way one can figure out what the fuck is going on. I’m tired of people judging me or say they know me or put words in my mouth or judge what I am doing. I’m only human and flesh and blood. I can try as hard to shut out parts of who I am and what I am, but doesn’t mean I’m not them. I have came to pass, to realize that I have been lying to the most important person…..myself! I try to act a certain way, to be seen a certain way. But I’m a fake to a certain degree.

I am angry…I am hurt…I am tired…I am weak…I am loved…I am hated…I am misunderstood…I am confused…I am ME.

Here is another thing, I’m tired of apologizing for who I am. I work hard and I like nice things, and I like to take care of my things. If that makes me a materialistic person who only cares about his stuff and money, I guess I am. I’m not working just to blow my money.

I hate depending on people, because all they are gonna do is let you down. I’m use to standing on my own two feet, but it seems that right now my life is in other peoples hands. Hands that I’m not sure of where they may lead me, hands that I once trusted, and hands that I will need to learn to trust and confide.

Sometimes I don’t think I am ready for anything anymore, I doubt myself, I wonder and I wander, sometimes I loose myself in music. I try to learn from my mistakes and mistakes of others and yet I still feel lost. I wonder what the purpose of everything is, or what it means.

I’m lost….if anyone finds me wandering around……please return me.

So everyone has an in put in my relationship, so I have been seen Brad for almost a year (well a year in March). But everyone or most people believe or think that one of us if not both of us have cheated or will cheat. All I can say that everyone is different, not everyone is a cheater. Maybe we all have tendency to cheat, it’s just our actions that matter.

Now most people think that this relationship is doomed to fail for more then one reason and they are as follow.

Cheating- well we covered this one, if we trust each other and we are 100% honest with each other that’s all that really matters.

Distance- now I will say that this is one of the tough ones, yeah the distance is hard. We don’t get to physically do things such as go out to dinner or the movies or just plain go out and do something. The other part of this is the time difference even though it’s only an hour difference it’s hard. He wakes up earlier and usually goes to sleep an hour earlier then I do, although there are times we do go to bed at the same time.

Talking- hmm this one has it’s issues with in itself. The hour difference and people around us play a huge roll on the time we get to talk. Some times as sad as it is I seem to wait to be able to talk to him. Then it’s interruptions or other peoples drama or just situations that one of us have to do. So there are a lot of unforeseen situation, but we have to try to make the best of it, even as hard as it is sometimes.

Sex- now most people are curious about this subject and I won’t get into it cuz all you have to do is use your imagination and we are in the 21st century….lol some people believe or think that we need to have a fuck buddy since we don’t have that connection, and that knowing we have a FB will keep us from cheating. Now I get the whole connection thing, cuz yeah I miss holding him or going to sleep in the same bed, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go sleep with the first guy that throws himself at me. Yeah we all got needs, but that’s not gonna make me go cheat.

With all this said most people don’t understand how we can make it work or we think we can make it work. It’s not easy at times and it is stressful and annoying at times too. I can’t just drive to his place or his job and go to lunch or dinner. I can’t kiss him goodnight or kiss him goodbye in the morning. But I think/know we have something special that I want to pursue.

So you might not think this relationship might work, and that’s ok because it’s my relationship and not yours. The only person that really matters in this is him and what he thinks. I’m in a relationship with him and not you.

Maybe you think a relationship like this is not for you for whatever reasons, but doesn’t mean it’s not for us. Yeah it will be some work, but what relationship isn’t…….

With that I say Good day to you! I said GOOD DAY!!